I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
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I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me