i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
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Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
That’s fair
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
*frowns in Scottish*
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
this is so top tier i cant
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Guys, I found it.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.