If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
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If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
this has to be peak English
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.