If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
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I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?