Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
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if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
The cashier just checked me out.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
My dad.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what