The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
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Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Mood.. 😂
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it