me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
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sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
We avoided this particular disaster
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types