*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
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My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.