“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
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Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
this is uni
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”