*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
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Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Cool shirt 🙂
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack