bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
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6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?