Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
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I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
If snakes were wide
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart