Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
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Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.