*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
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A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Only Americans understand
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?