ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
You Might Also Like
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*