Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
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My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Your secret is safeish with me
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon