*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
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[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.