Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
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I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
A man of commitment.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning