If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
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I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
But wait…
This fish is cracking me up
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Customer is always right
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
crazy
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.