i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
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I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
How is it still this week?
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
who wore it better?
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015