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“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.