*performs CPR on the turkey*
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I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Hot hot hot 🥵
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.