I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
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What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.