the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
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dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
🤣😈🤣
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
me 2 months after i graduated
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.