Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
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baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real