I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
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Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Every photo I’m tagged in
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler