The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
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She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed