I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
You Might Also Like
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.