[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
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If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night