My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
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Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Customer is always right
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.