My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
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I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Your honor these allegations are
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!