Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
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that lip filler tho
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Life is a suicide mission.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.