Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
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I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car