I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
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If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
I’m confused about plants
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.