Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
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Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
“Sheer Arrogance”
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.