*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
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Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
I’m sorry…what?
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.