[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
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Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Kids, do not try this at home!
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*