It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
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People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.