Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
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[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Grandmother clock.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
🙅🏻
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.