I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
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As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
a public service announcement
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things