When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
You Might Also Like
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.