[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
You Might Also Like
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!