Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
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opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.