You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
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and now we wait
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Lol #dogsoftwitter
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.