Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
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Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
This is the best one I’ve seen
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh