[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
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the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Ion see the issue
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.