Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
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Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know