[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
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I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Gemma Correll
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”