SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
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Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Okay, I’m still confused…
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth