10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
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4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH